I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
