I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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