she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
