my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
