he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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