I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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