new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
