You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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