so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
