She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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