Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
