the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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