I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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