ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize