woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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