On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
