have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
