Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
