I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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