You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
