I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
