He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
