I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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