Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
