her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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