On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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