On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
