I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
