You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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