So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
