just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
