i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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