I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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