Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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