considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
