I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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