I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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