I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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