A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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