I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
