Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
