I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Soap is not a condiment
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
