No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
