Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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