Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
