Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize