Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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