my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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