It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
