oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
