So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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