I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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