So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
