I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
