I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
