I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
