Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
