Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize