How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Randomize
