we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
