oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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