I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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