take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
